First's: Butterflies, Love, & Heartbreak

I was just 14 when i met Chris. He was 17, cute, hilarious, a total sweetheart, & was delt the shittiest hand when it came to his life; & boy was I intrigued. He was the complete opposite of me. He was the punk rock grunge type & I was this ghetto girl, who wore big hoop earrings, listened to rap & got my hair braided too. He had long hair to his shoulders that was dyed blonde but his roots were grown out bout halfway, he wore JNCO jeans, rock band t-shirts, & had face piercings. He definitely was NOT my usual type. I met him while I was hanging out at one of my best friend's house. At the time it was us girls & 3 guys. Now everyone thought that I liked Benji or Dean but no one ever thought about Chris. I sure did though...

The boys all used to walk me home whenever I'd be over. I remember one night after they walked me home Benji called me (while they were all still together) & asked which one of them did I like? Now at the time my best friend was with Dean, my other friend was with Benji, & this chic that to this day I still don't like (never have, never will) was with Chris. I didn't care tho. So I told Benji that the next time I saw them I would kiss whoever it was that I liked. I've always been the brave type, I've approached guys like they do us women, it doesn't phase me; I don't sacre easily when it comes to that sort of thing.

So the next time I went over my best friend's house he was there & I found out that him & the girl he was seeing had broken up. I could have done cartwheels at this point, he was fair game now. Everyone was downstairs in my friend's room & I had went upstairs for some reason & next thing I knew so was Chris, just us two, alone. We talked, laughed, & winded up tickling each other. I'll never forget the moment that happened next. After the tickling stopped we sat there, just looking at one another, & then he leaned in & I followed suit. The kiss was amazing, I had been kissed before but never like this. It was everything, that moment was everything, it will forever be etched in not just my memory but forever in my heart. That first kiss lead him to become my first real boyfriend (not jus the holding hands talking on the phone "boyfriend"), my first love, my first everything!

We started out as friends so our relationship went really well. We never faught or argued, at least not as soon as most couples would. I still remember our first date. 8 Mile had just come out so he took me to go see it. What I didnt know was that he also had a bottle of liquor for us too haha. So I had sexy Eminem on the screen, my boyfriend next to me, & a bottle of Gin & Juice Blue Beast, it was a great night. I'll never forget the first time I stayed the nite at his house. I told my parents I was staying with my best friend so that I was covered. His dad & him picked me up but what I didn't know was that his mother was with them too. I had already met his dad, his parents were no longer together, & from what I had heard his mom was a crazy ass bitch; I was nervous now. Well I winded up being nervous for no reason because his mom was cool. Matter of fact, she got me trashed that night! Haha I don't know if it was me being curious or the liqour but that night was the night I almost lost my virginity. I think I wasn't as into it as I had thought I was because we attempted to but it hurt just tryin to get it in, I couldn't imagine what getting it in would have felt like so I stopped. He was really great, sweet, & understanding about it too. Most guys wouldn't have been, that was just another reason why I had (at that point) cared about him as much as I did; he was different.

About a month & a half later I had him come over while my parents weren't home. We laid in my room, in the dark with candles lit, the radio quietly playing, just snuggling, kissing, & talking; nothing more nothing less. I remember he looked deep into my eyes, took a deep breath & then said my name. I knew what that moment was going to be, he was going to say what I had been wanting to say but had been too afraid to. But at that exact moment my phone rang & it was immediately ruined. It had been Benji saying he was on his way to meet up with him so that they could catch the bus home together. So about 2 weeks later I was at his house staying the night. I wasn't feelin good at all, I had the worst migraine so he had told me to go lay down. Not only did he bring me ibuprofen with a drink to take it with but, he had also made us dinner, then while cooking he repeatedly checked in on me too. It was that night that I knew it was the perfect time to just tell him how I had felt, what I was convinced he was going to tell me that one night; so I went for it. The last time he came in to check on me I had sat up, looked him in his eyes, & said, "I love you." I was soo nervous, my heart was beating what seemed like a thousand times a minute. & then he said it, those 4 magic words, "I love you too." I was on cloud nine! I had never been in love before yet alone had someone love me, I now understood love like in the movies, & I was head over heels, knee's deep in it. A month later, just 10 days before I turned 15, I lost my virginity to my first boyfriend, the first man I had ever loved & it was nothing like I thought it would be. Looking back now, I don't regret who I lost it to but I definitely regret how old I was. I always said that I wanted to be in love whenever I did decide to do it, which I was, but I should have thought about my age.

Sex changes everything! Especially when you're just 15. As much as I loved Chris, I was curious &, unfortunately, just a week later I cheated on him. I felt horrible. Horrible doesn't even begin to describe the pain, remorse, & utter disgust that I had felt. He of course broke up with me, & I deserved it. I was heartbroken. But with every action comes a reaction, I was paying the price for my disloyalty. About a month or so later I had been at my best friend's house (the one we met thru) & he came over. It was awkward. That was when 3 Doors Down released their Away From the Sun album which we had been listening to, I was fine until Here Without You came on. I got up, went in the bathroom, & started to cry. I had loved him soo much that every piece of me hurt & was dying to be with him, all I wanted was for him to forgive me. I wiped my tears, got myself together, & went back in the room & acted as if everything was ok. Later on, he asked me to go outside to talk to him. By the end of the conversation he had forgiven me, we were kissing, & we were officially back together! Turns out that karma really is a bitch because a couple weeks later he cheated on me. One of my oldest friend's had come over with me with one of her friend's & she wanted to show her something upstairs. While he was upstairs he had kissed the girl that came with my friend with me just right downstairs waiting for him. Even though he didn't sleep with anyone cheating is cheating. But unlike me, he never told me about it. I found out awhile after we had broken up for good.

During the course of our relationship we got along great, had good communication, & of course had fun. But remember when I said he was delt the shittiest hand when it came to his life??? I'll make a long story short. His mom was a drug addict & alcoholic & his father had been an alcoholic who was later diagnosed with cirrhosis because of it. As a teenager both his parents would get high, drink, & party with him. Instead of having rules, he pretty much raised himself. He was responsible because of this but he had also become an addict as well. I don't think there isn't anything that he didnt do or try. Because of the lifestyle that his parents lived, he felt that that was inevitably the only way for his life to turn out. I & many others tried to convince him that his could be different as long as he didn't make the same mistakes as them but, sadly, there was no convincing him otherwise. While we were together alcohol was his drug of choice during that time frame. It was envitably the cause for our breakup. He would rather go to the bar (even tho he was underage) & get wasted to an oblivion than to spend time with me. After we broke up we remained friends. We even still messed around here & there, we winded up being off & on for about 8yrs or so, we even gave the relationship one last time when we were both older but yet again, his drinking ruined that. So in the end, we kept it at a strictly friendship relationship.

I want to say it was September 2014 when Chris lost his dad. See, even though Mr. Steve had been diagnosed with cirrhosis he never stopped drinking. He did for awhile & we actually thought that he may stick with it but he just wasn't strong enough to get passed the urges, it also doesn't help when your son & his friends are drinking in front of you on a daily basis either. That's when Chris really started going down hill. His father was ultimately his best friend. & then after the loss of him he finally got close with his mother again. She had finally gotten clean & actually wanted a relationship with her son again. Well that Christmas when Chris woke up he found her dead on his coucn from what he later found out was alcohol poisoning. So now he had lost both his parents in jus 3 short months; that's when he started spiraling downward into a deep alcohol & drug habit. He had drank all his rent money to the point that he lost his house & became homeless. He actually called me & asked if he could crash on my couch but I had 2 boys to think of, I couldn't have them around an alcoholic. It absolutely broke my heart but I HAD to say no. After that we didn't talk much. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves, especially when they put their self in the situation that could have been avoided to begin with. One of the last times that I did talk to him he had told me that he was living in a tent behind his house that he lost. Llater, I had heard from a mutual friend of ours that he was pan handling on 40 & living in the woods over there with other homeless people. It crushed my soul & broke my heart but there wasn't anything that I could ultimately do. I had my own family, bills, & most importantly, my kids to think about.

THE DAY A PIECE OF MY HEART DIED

Thanksgiving 2015. I'll never forget this day for the rest of my life. I was at my boyfriend's mother's house for dinner. I had went outside to smoke a cigarette after dinner & was scrolling through my Facebook. There it was, a status about Chris being in the hospital. So I called the friend who had made the post to ask what was going on. I swear I felt the Earth shatter from below my feet, my worst fear had come true & there was nothing I could do to stop or change it. The story I had gotten was this:

He had started doing heroin
He had gotten off the street & moved in with his childhood friend Tom
He was finally gettin his shit together again, even got a truck since he lost his Bronco.
He had been hanging out with some shady ass junkies
He was with these people & had let one of them shoot him up.
When he started to overdose instead of taking him to the hospital or at least calling 911 they left. (In his truck!)
They left him on the side of the fucking road where someone found him & called 911
He was DOA when they got there but was later resuscitated.
He was then put in ICU at the hospital & was in a coma.

When I hung up the phone I immediately left & went to see him. When I got there I was informed that he had no signs of any brain activity & they were scheduled to "pull the plug" on Friday. While there I held his hand, talked to him, & cried. I swear that I could literally feel my heart breaking, I was going to lose my first boyfriend, first love, first everything, & most importantly; my best friend! I didn't know what to do. It felt as if I was living in a nightmare, now almost 2yrs later & it still does.That Saturday I went & saw him one last time. He was off of the life support & was breathing on his own, at that point, we were just waiting for the inevitable. When my boyfriend's friend died they let people have a printout of his friend's heartbeat. So I had asked the nurse if I could get a copy of his heartbeat while he was off the ventilator but she was a super cunt & told me no. So of course, me being me, I said fuc it & fuc her & took a picture of the heart monitor screen that way I'd always have his heartbeat with me. It's a good thing that that was my last visit, my final goodbye, because apparently Benji had ratted me out to the nurse when she asked who it was that had taken the picture of the heart monitor, what a douchebag move. So because he did that, I was banned from goin bac. Smh. Stupid Hippa laws! imma sound like a complete & utterly heartless bitch when I say this but, if someone is goin to die, what tha fuc does it matter if I have his heartbeat or not?!!?! There's no longer anything to protect now is there?

On November 29, 2015 I lost Chris. He wasn't the only thing that I lost tho. When he died a piece of my heart died along with him, I'll never be the same, & I havent been the same. I'm still waiting for someone to wake me up or to at least tell me that this was the most sick cruel joke anyone could ever play on me, but it really is my reality. He's really gone. 😢

He was truly one of a kind, original, with the purest loving heart. He was the person that everyone loved instantly. He jus didn't leave an impression on you, he left an imprint on your soul; once there, there was no turning bac. Call it an unseen soul tattoo, never seen but permanently always there. To this day, i have yet to meet anyone quite like him. He was a free spirit who wore his heart on his sleeve. If only he wasnt destined to follow in his parent's footsteps, he could have done soo much with himself, with his life, 30yrs of living just didn't do him justice. He still had time to make the necessary changes to better himself & his life, its a shame that he never got that chance tho.

Forever my angel, forever by my side. I'll keep you always in my heart, no matter the time gone bye. Untill the day we meet again, I'll love & miss you my dear friend.

In loving memory

CHRISTOPHER JAMES OVERMAN

09/07/1985 - 11/29/15

May your heart & spirit be free, & your soul at peace...